THE PURPOSE OF WORK.

Two weeks ago my mother's best friend's husband unexpectedly died of a massive heart attack. This woman was like a sister to her, and I know her as an aunt...their kids are like cousins. My "uncle" was just a few months short of retirement from an esteemed career at Chevron and as expected, it's been a hard reality for the family to face.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about how close he was to retirement which in turn, has made me think a lot about work. About the purpose of it and, of course, what we're really doing with the finite, unknown about of time we have on this earth. Thank God he was happy with his.

I've shared this before, but I actually think a lot about death because for me it's a reminder that I don't have the luxury to bet against time that has not been guaranteed to me. I use that as a way to stay motivated, ESPECIALLY as it pertains to all of the work I still want to produce. There is SO much I want to do, and I'm constantly reminding myself:

You're not gonna be here forever, Dayka--do it now. Here's the thing: how you think about what "work" means--and more specifically, the value of YOUR work in the world--is one of the single most important factors to influence how you'll spend the majority of your days. 

We get so caught up with using work as a way to meet our goals, instead of embracing the idea that meaningful work actually IS the goal, that we miss some of the most important questions:

How are you making a contribution to the world with your work? What are you allowing to come through you?

If your work is just a way for you to buy nice things & pay for vacations, then you stay in a perpetual cycle of working to reach the next milestone. And it's never enough, because as soon as you grab the carrot that's right in front of you, you jump right back on the hamster wheel hungry for the next milestone.

So you're basically working to get your next "fix".Just like a drug addict.

No thought is actually given to the work itself, it's just "I need to make $X/month so I can go buy xxx." And your life ends up being subdivided by shit you probably won't remember when you're staring down your last days.

And here's the thing: if this is what you really want--what you're INTENTIONALLY choosing for yourself--then there's nothing wrong with this path. Work your job, buy your stuff, and rinse & repeat as much as possible until your body just can't do it anymore. If that truly makes you happy, then do you, boo.

But if it doesn't, then it's time to do something different.

The only thing about this journey to purposeful work is, there's no one right answer for everybody. What works for me might not work for you. The places I've found success could potentially be failures for you (and vice versa!). But when you recognize that the value is in the journey and not just in the destination, concepts like "failure" and "success" take on a completely different meaning.

They don't really mean anything, actually. 

If you see work as integral to your soul's growth, then the journey of creating a life becomes focused on the process of work itself--of working to uncover your path, acknowledging the dead ends & embracing the forks in the road, the fuck-ups AS WELL AS the achievements. If you see it as your obligation to the world--for occupying space on this planet--then you get that you have to continuously bring everything you are to your work. And that at its highest,

Your work is supposed to be a reflection of who you are. 

This doesn't mean that you're always going to LIKE what you're doing at every step along the way, but it does mean that your essential quest is about much more than just "making money".

Going to Disneyworld. Buying new countertops.The latest 70" flat screen tv.Or a new Tesla. Buying stuff.

These things may add value to your life, but they should never be the source of the value. 

Being mindful about what you put into the world isn't just about watching the words that come out of your mouth--it's also about what you're intentionally creating for the world in a way that only you can do. It's about beign open to the fact that what you THINK you're here to do may not in fact be what you end up doing..and instead fighting against that change, you allow yourself to embrace it. It's about getting really comfortable with the unknown.

The naked-in-bed kinda comfortable.

Because when you commit to growing your soul, there are no guarantees on this path(and there are no guarantees on ANY path, btw). You'll meet a lot of unknowns & seemingly scary places....places where there's not always a quick fix for what's ailing you.But if you're one of the people who can lay their heads down at night believing that what you do matters,

Then you've got something special. Something worth holding onto. Something worth fighting for.

Your beliefs about how you live & move in this world matter, and if you don't know exactly what you believe....this is where you must start. This is your work.

What you do in this world matters.Don't ever believe that it doesn't. 

**also, yesterday I released a very cool Black Book of Solo Travel for the woman who wants to know how to safely travel the world like the badass she is. And it's only $10. Click the link to head to my shop to check it out.**

HOW TO RECLAIM YOUR TIME.

I had to shut it all the way down this week.My energy was totally depleted & I found myself physically and emotionally exhausted.

Between an incredibly full schedule last week, an emotionally draining conversation over the weekend, entertaining out of town guests, new work projects, late night conversations and Charlottesville having me really feel enraged, once again, at the plight of being black in this country... my damn cup was empty, y'all. 

Like, not even a drop left in that thing.And it was no ones fault but my own.

To quote Auntie Maxine, I (desperately) needed to reclaim my time.

So I said no to work, to friends, and cancelled dinner dates.

I filled my refrigerator with food Monday afternoon, spent the evening listening to a book on tape while lounging in a massive bubble bath, and then climbed my naked, ashy ass into bed & stayed there for 3 days.

And it was everything.

I didn't return any emails, work related or otherwise. Didn't leave the house. Didn't open the drapes. Didn't really leave my bed except for food.

My only plan? Resting until I felt like I didn't need to rest anymore.

Taking care of myself. Recentering. Recuperating.Reclaiming my time.

Because somehow I got way off track over the last 2 weeks. Didn't do a great job of monitoring my input vs. my output. Started giving people more of myself than what I actually had to give. And it left me feeling like shit. 

And while self care is this idea people seem to love in theory,they don't always love it in practice. We seem to feel VERY entitled to each other's time. That oururgent needs means others should adapt to our schedules. That taking days to rest your body & mind--when you're not actually sick--is an indulgent luxury when in fact...

it should be standard practice.

Because allowing your cup to get all the way empty is unhealthy. And dangerous. 

I love to talk about this because I know that I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets that I have the right to say no...but that's the only way we can truly reclaim our time.

No, I will not allow you to manage my time. No, I will not put my needs on the back burner. No, I won't apologize for needing a break. 

People like other people who like themselves.And you know how you like yourself?By making you a priority.Putting your needs first, even if it's inconvenient for others.

Because "reclaiming my time" is really more than just a catch phrase--it's a call to action. A reminder that you are the guardian of the time that's been given to you while you're on this earth. 

It is YOURS. It belongs to YOU. And it's your responsibility to manage it, direct it, decrease it, or increase it, as you see fit.

But you must be the one to do it. 

NEVER be afraid to wave the white flag in your life. If you don't feel well, tell the truth.  If you're burned out from work, tell the truth.  If your relationships aren't supporting you, tell the truth.  If you don't know exactly WTF is wrong, but you know for sure that something just ain't right, then tell the truth about that too. 

I'm spending this last weekday catching up on work & even though a project went a little haywire while I was away, I don't regret waving my flag & closing shop. There was nothing I could've done to avoid the mishap & more importantly, I know that I'm of no service to my clients if I'm not first serving myself.

I needed every single one of those 3 days off, so I took them.THAT'S how you reclaim your time. 

THAT TIME I ALMOST STOOD UP AL ROKER.

January 21, 2015 06:19:50

In my natural life I don't think I've ever been as scared as I was in this moment.

All of the sudden I found myself at The Weather Channel headquarters, Studio 9, getting ready to go on LIVE, NATIONAL TV with none of than Al Roker & Stephanie Abrams.

Yes, that Al. The one from The Today Show.

In less than 10 seconds Al was going to utter my name across his lips, look me in my eyes & engage me with rapt interest as I discussed the projects I'd created for my live, national tv debut on his show.

But how the hell did I get here???

I saw the clock start counting down the seconds 10, 9, 8, 7....and I all of the sudden a sheer panic rose up in my chest. Then I heard it--the sound of some crazy person inside me shouting:

What the fuck are you DOING HERE?? You're gonna forget everything you're supposed to talk about!! They will see that you're a fraud!! Run out the door right now--GO!!! Save yourself while you still can!!

I felt like a deer in headlights and thought my heart was going to beat itself right out of my chest.

Now 10 seconds doesn't seem like a long time but let me tell you...it IS. You can't imagine how many (nasty, destructive) scenarios the human brain can create in as little as 10 seconds but I think I experienced almost all of them that morning. I swore I was gonna have a major asthma attack, right there on the stage, save for the fact that I don't actually have asthma. 

But then the clock hit "0" and it was showtime.  The cameras were up & we were live all across America.

Al introduced me and I was all smiley and chatty and 100% in control and totally schooling them on my spring projects and my hair was shining like a Cornsilk Cabbage Patch doll and my face was beat and my shoes were all the way on point. And just as I really started getting into it....he "threw it" to commercial break and my time was over. Just like that. 4 days of preparation & work summed up in 180 seconds.

I went from feeling incompetent, afraid & under qualified to feeling empowered, confident & more than capable. All in the span of 3 minutes.

But that's how these things always seems to happen, you know.  

Because this is how it feels to invite yourself into the process of creation. You get an invitation (from a friend, from God, from your intuition, your kids, etc.) to create something new, so you start doing it. You find the work tedious, but exciting. You love your ideas but none of the work actually looks like what you envisioned just yet. But what continues to push you is your desire to see this thing come to fruition. To watch it be born. And then all of the sudden it's showtime/launch time/show up time and in an instant, you feel scared out of your mind. You worry that maybe your idea actually isn't new, that it's not a fresh perspective, that you aren't good enough, don't know enough and seriously feel like you are quite possibly a fool for even embarking on such an ambitious undertaking.

But now you're on stage (figuratively speaking) and can't stop. There's nowhere to hide. You've done so much that the easiest way out is actually to go forward.

So that's what you do.

You deliver your creation, knock it out of the park and realize that--surprise, surprise--you had it all along.That the voice was a lie. Not only can you now see your creation in all of its intended glory but you start embracing the fact that you totally killed that thing and maybe you even shot too small. You realize you could actually be a fantastic FILL IN for Al when he's on vacation because you rocked it so hard!! Fuck the 3 minute segment--you could totally do a 20 MINUTE segment! Maybe even have your own show! Own your own network! The sky is the limit!!

But you only get here by pushing beyond the voice.

Beyond the fear, beyond the doubt, & beyond feeling like you're still just an over talkative, precocious 8 year old. Because the truth is that none of those feelings are real.

This is just a reminder that the closest (and easiest) way out is actually through, because going back means you'll never get anywhere. It seems like it's safer, but it's not.

Staying small will actually kill you. Quite literally. 

For every story you hear about how it "turned out so bad" or about how someone "just couldn't make the idea work", never forget that there are MANY MORE stories about people who refused to let the fear have the final say.Everything you see, do & use in your life today is a result of someone pushing past their (thousands of) fears to make their idea work.

And then there's me. I talk about these things because this is what I KNOW firsthand.I HAVE BEEN THERE (and have the pics to prove it). I would've missed out on so many projects, clients & opportunities if I would've let fear get the best of me that morning. I never would've know what I was capable of if I hadn't totally blew past my self-imposed boundary. 

So whatever you may be working on, praying for, or struggling with...... KEEP GOING.

The easiest way to get beyond those feelings is to just buckle up & take the road that goes straight through them.

*And if you wanna watch my segment from that morning with Al & Stephanie, click here. *

APPLY YOUR MASK FIRST.

I haven't been feeling all that hot this week and while I've written a ton of ideas (I'm always writing), nothing really seemed right for today. I was trying to think about what's really relevant in my life right now & yet it's hard to think about those things when the main thing is that you're not feeling well. But because I'm really focused on trying to get SOMETHING out every week, I thought I'd just drop in to tell you the truth:

I didn't really feel like writing this week. I didn't feel like doing much of anything this week. I just didn't have it in me. 

So I didn't. 

And that's the best message I have to share...one that's timeless & never goes out of style.

The one about putting on your own oxygen mask before you even ATTEMPT to put on someone else's. 

No matter what you may have committed to, LISTEN to your body.Listen to your spirit. If you don't feel like pushing through, don't. If you can't muster up the energy, that's totally fine. If you just need to take a day off because you need to take a day off, do it.Do NOT ask for permission or expect other people to understand because chances are, they won't. Matter of fact, don't even talk to other people about it. Be like Nike & Just Do It. Tuck yourself away & hibernate until you feel like you "can" again. Cancel the dates, reschedule the lunch appointments & take care of yourself.

I promise that whatever you're working on will be there tomorrow...there is no rush. Nobody will be mad at you.

And if it's not there tomorrow--or the people are really pissed that you cancelled--then the truth is that none of it is right for you. 

Let's stop making some of the most basic things more difficult than they need to be. Like self care. We owe it to ourselves to be first. And I don't mean some of the time...I mean all of the time. If you let yourself go there will literally be nothing for you to give.

So as crazy as it may sound, the best way that we serve others is to first serve ourselves. 

And then there's this blogpost. I was only supposed to be "checking in" to let you all know I wouldn't be "coming into work today" (I.e, sending out a blogpost) and in the midst of me telling you about that....all of this came tumbling out. Apparently the message was here all along & the inspiration came by me just telling the truth about where I am & how I'm feeling.  And it took me all of 15 mins. Hallelujah.

Don't force what isn't coming naturally. Pay attention to how you feel and go with that, even if it seems counterintuitive. Had I been a fool I would've sat at my desk all day trying to figure out what to share, while really not feeling good, instead of trusting my gut to go get back in the bed and--in my surrender--allowing the inspiration to come on its own.

Life is funny like that. Sometimes obedience, surrender & ease will take you MUCH further than effort.

Have a good weekend & take care of yourselves. Trust that I'll be doing the same over here!

"NOT NOW" DOESN'T MEAN "NEVER".

Tuesday, April 25 at 3:26pm I was scheduled to be on a long awaited flight headed to Madrid.

Today is Friday, April 28 and...I'm still in Atlanta.

What happened, you ask? 

Well, life happened.

Business opportunities have come up, things I need to address, ideas I want to launch and as all of those things started converging, something deep down was nudging me, "Dayka, it's not time." And let me tell you, when you love Madrid as much as I do heeding to that voice isn't always easy. The final straw came last Friday, after suddenly finding out from my doctor that I have some gastrointestinal issues which require me to be on a very strict diet. Going to Spain & Morocco while on a diet that keeps me from eating all of the bread, cheese, eggs, rice, & sweets that I want?? It felt like more anxiety than bliss.

So I got up Monday and cancelled my airline ticket, just 21 hours shy of my departure. 

But leading up to that dramatic, last minute cancellation, I weighed my options for weeks. Talked about it with a few close friends. My best friend asked me last week, "What are you feeling overwhelmingly led to do?", and I didn't really have a response because there wasn't an "overwhelming" feeling at all. Instead I just heard a quiet but strong voice of encouragement saying, "You know what to do." And I did.

The right thing, for right now, is for me to stay put in Atlanta. 

To be clear, I am still moving to Spain....I feel this deep in my spirit. I still feel the pull of Spanish life and am looking forward to the experience of building a new life in a new country very soon.....it's just not gonna happen for me this week. And this decision, of course, has made me think a lot about the ways that I attempt to direct (read: control) my life.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to Surrender--to be open to the fact that something greater than I can imagine is organizing itself in my favor. Most of the time, even with the best of my intentions, "my plans" are in the way of that greater good, because I'm only considering with what I THINK is possible. Possibilities that are based entirely upon my limited perspective of who I am, where I'm from, what I look like, where I've been, past relationships I've had and more. But the reality is that there are FAR MORE possibilities for me in this world than I can imagine. And I always want to stay open to that truth. For all I know, postponing my trip may just be a happy detour from The Universe that's leading me towards a new opportunity that covers ALL of my expenses, both here and abroad (!!!). Or one that puts me in connection with some amazing people doing international work that I really want to be a part of. Whatever it is, I'm totally open to receiving whatever goodness wants to come my way. In fact, I'm beckoning it forth.

A few people have asked me if I feel embarrassed because I postponed my trip, or if I regretted sharing with the world that I was going.

But I don't.

On the contrary, I'm super proud I put it out there. Proud that bought my ticket and started downsizing my house and researched apartments in my desired neighborhoods and found a co-working space and already had plans to hang out this past Wednesday night. I'm proud that I started walking the walk of what it means to move forward with the intention of building a new life in a new country because these kinda things just don't happen overnight. Big ideas are birthed from tiny little ideas and the only thing required to execute them is that we take one step at a time, again & again. Whether or not "my goal" was obtained is actually neither here nor there, because just doing all of this preparation has changed me. I am better for having done the work. 

I've had to remember that not leaving on April 25th doesn't mean that I'm NEVER going, it just means exactly what I'm hearing, which is "Not right now." And sometimes we get those things confused, thinking "no" automatically means "never", when that's hardly the case. It's usually a "you're not ready just yet" or an "I have something better for you". And this is what you have to remember every time it looks like the door is closing in your face--there is something greater for me to know here.

Spain may not have been in the cards for April 2017 but best believe it's still there for me. And so is whatever you may have tried that didn't quite work out how you'd planned the first time around. Detours are ALWAYS the set up for something greater, as long as you remember that everything is here to teach us something. Learn your lessons and keep it moving!

SO MUCH has been going on in my life since January and I can't wait to share it all with you. But until that time comes...you know where to find me. Thanks for being excited for me anyhow.

BE VULNERABLE.

I put all of my business out there on Instagram this week. Emphasis on all. 

And instead of feeling scared, or worried about what people might think, I felt free. And incredibly empowered.

It was a reminder that I am a REAL person with a REAL body and, like many of you, going through REAL things. I think a lot about how I show up on social media & always try to make sure that I'm sharing the truth about who I am from as many angles as possible. Yes my life is good but...it's also "good" because that's the only truth I'm willing to consider about it. Things are always working out in my favor.

This Instagram post is something that, years ago, I thought I'd never do because there was a time when it seemed like being diagnosed with Vitiligo was the worst thing that could happen to me. Funny what a little time, perspective & experience can do for those self sabotaging beliefs that we unknowingly cling to for dear life....   My truth is that I'm not perfect. I don't have all the answers (the ones I do have are often subject to change), I can be impatient, I'm not always kind, and I have my own share of emotional wounds & sore spots that I'll be working to release for as long as I'm alive. But you know what? I am here. And I show up for my life, with every single thing I have, every single day. And I'm really proud of that. Yes, I do it for myself but I'm also clear that my life isn't just about me...it's about you, too. Because we need each other to survive. 

I wrote this & posted it on IG a few days ago but I think it's worth sharing here again:

"Part of the reason we must commit ourselves to telling the truth about who we are is because WE ARE ALL JUST LIGHTHOUSES FOR EACH OTHER. The only way we ever reach the shore is with HELP from another human being--I share mine, which helps you share yours, which helps someone else share theirs. We don't do each other any favors by pretending to be (have/live/do) things that we are not (and most of the time folk know when you're lying anyway!). Whoever & whatever you are is good enough, right now. Walk in Truth. Be a lighthouse."

Never be afraid to be vulnerable and share the truth about who you are because there's never a wrong time to be a lighthouse. Or a gatekeeper. Never forget that there's someone out there right now, who won't know that it can be done (whatever "it" may be) until YOU do it. And that's pretty powerful. So allow yourself to be vulnerable with people.

There's no one right way to be vulnerable--I get that social media route is not for everyone--but the point is, allow yourself to be exposed. Give yourself the privilege of being known, and watch people rise to support you....and in turn they will also support themselves.

I can assure you that there is no greater honor. Even if it means letting your belly hang out on the 'gram!!

JUST SHOW UP.

Every Friday when I send this letter out I am SO incredibly grateful for your feedback and the fact that many of you take the time to share pieces of your life with me. Your emails remind me that I'm on the right track and that I'm not the only one thinking the way that I do. You remind me that I'm not alone. But my reasoning for sending writing these letters is actually quite selfish. The truth is, I do this for me.

I'm doing this because for years I thought that being a writer meant that my name needed to appear on the NYT bestseller list. Or that I needed to have a byline in a major publication. Or that people should know my literary name--and my work--without my having to explain any details.

But these things do not a writer make. 

You know what makes a writer?

Writing. 

That's it.

Sitting down every day and committing to give breath to ideas by writing them down.

Even if it's just in my journal, or in a friend's birthday card, I know that I am a writer. I care deeply about the process of articulating my thoughts & find great JOY in the act putting them down on paper. These things alone make me a writer.

And I'm a writer because I said so--not anyone else.

But sometimes the best that I can manage to bang out is just a paragraph. Or all I have is the beginning of an idea that even I don't yet fully understand. Sometimes it's 6pm on Thursday and I have NO idea what I'm going to write for Friday at 6am.

And you know what??

I'm learning that's okay. 

Every week may not be a home run. Every letter may not hold some deep & profound truth or conversely, it may hold an idea that goes completely over everyone's head. But I'm realizing that NONE of that matters.

What matters is the act of just showing up for the work.

Judging how good it is--or how it should be changed/edited/condensed--is actually Step 4 or 5. ButStep 1 is all about actually getting the work done. Giving life to the ideas. Creating sentences from the thoughts.

I thought about this last night at 10pm after I spent the majority of the day in bed with a rough upset stomach. A big part of me wanted to just push this letter off until next week but then I heard a voice that reminded me:

You need to write something.

Because these emails are first & foremost about the discipline of doing the work I say I want to do. Everything else--how good, how long, how eloquent--is secondary. 

And just like that--at 10pm last night--I got the inspiration for this letter. What normally takes hours & hours took less than 90 minutes, because it just came pouring out.

The only thing that I have to do, every day, is find a way to honor my calling. Sometimes that's as small as a private journal entry, a thank you card for a kind gesture or public social media post but IT ALL COUNTS.

Every single bit of it.

I am a writer, so my job is to write and consistently show up to create this letter. No judging of the work is allowed in the early stages. Because when you do work that you love there is no "there"...you just keep working as long as there's something inside of you that wants to be born.

And the only way you can birth it is to show up.

Grab the pen. Pick up the paintbrush. Make the beat. Write the song. Create the code.

Today I've shown up to be a writer.

Who/What are you showing up to be???

THE MOST POWERFUL QUESTION YOU CAN ASK.

Two weeks ago, on March 4th, one of my best friends lost his father very suddenly. He was seemingly healthy, active & by all accounts, led a very full life.

And yet one minute he was here, and the next minute he was gone.

His death came just seven days after my birthday, when I shared this post about my own experience with my father's death exactly 10 years ago. My father--who also transitioned very suddenly--passed away on the day before my 28th birthday, so it's a date I've never forgotten. And it's eerie how I publicly shared these words about that time in my life just days before his father's death, completely unaware that I was actually talking directly to someone in my inner circle.

As you can imagine I've spent much of the last 2 weeks thinking a lot about grief, death, friendship, love & how we care for those closest to us.  This post is about one of those things.

After my father died I quickly came to the conclusion that asking bereaved people that all too familiar, "How are you doing?" was quite possibly thedumbest question in the world. Every time someone asked I'd always think to myself, "I just lost my father--how the fuck do you think I'm doing right now???". The question seemed to be simple, thoughtless & terribly annoying.

But then, 13 days ago, one of MY people lost one of HIS people. And all I really wanted, every day, was to ask him how he was doing.

How is your soul feeling today? Where are you emotionally? How are you processing things? 

Because as much as we're socialized to automatically ask "How are you?" as a mindless form of greeting, there are moments in life when that question truly is the only thing in the world that you want to know.

How is your heart in this moment?How do you feel in the world today? 

And now I understand, in a way that I couldn't have before, why asking people "How are you?" actually isn't the worst question in the world.

You wanna know what the worst question is?

No question at all. 

Because not asking is to presume that you already know the answer.

And that in itself can be like an act of aggression.

You ask so that you can give people a space to own their own feelings.And you ask because inquiring how someone is doing--and truly meaning it--is actually an act of love. 

One of my favorite authors, Rob Bell, taught me that the simplest things are often the most profound. He reminds me of the importance of making old things new again & encourages me to constantly uncover new meaning in the midst of the everydayness of life. Because perspective, time & evolution have shown me that simple question--the one we mindlessly ask all the time & the one I once thought to be the "dumbest question in the world"--is actually one of the most powerful questions I can ever ask.

This experience, even though we're just a few days in, has helped me bring profound meaning to what has always been right in front of me.

My friend is grieving because he loved someone. And I'm here, writing this, because I love my friend.

I can't tell you much about the road he must now walk but I can tell you all about the one I walk beside him.

It starts & ends with four simple words:

How are you doing???